HE SERVED ME BREAKFAST AND I ATE IT

“I met a man.” I shined teeth from ear to ear at my two home girls, “He’s perfect.”

And that, my buriful people, was a scam.

It all started out as the perfect Nollywood fairytale. Van Vicker meets Nadia Buari. Eyes meet and suddenly their souls are connected. Van takes Nadia on a date. Van kisses Nadia and makes her body dance like sweet akamu. Chai. It’s a day Nadia will never forget. That I, Bisi Folarin, will never forget.

I met my Van Vicker at my colleague’s birthday dinner. He was standing at the bar with a group of pompous chocolate-looking sweet chewing gum men. He was the only yellow-looking man in the group.

I didn’t care about him. Never did. My spec was and will always be Mr tall, dark and handsome. The kind chocolate that will be salivating in your body.

Guy, how did I end up with that yellow oloshi? Till today, I still dey ask myself this question, how? Why? When? Because of what? Na me chop breakfast for person wey no be my spec.

Before I forget, his name is Toluwatope Babalola— aka Babyboy TB. In case you ever jam this guy, run! Run for your life, my dear sisters.

Once you see one yellow Yoruba boy with fine beards, that’s him. No think am twice. That is Babyboy TB. Run!

Now, let’s start afresh. Let me tell you the story from beginning beginning.

It was a very refreshing dinner at Abbey & Pan restaurant. You know, rooftop, sweet music, cool harmattan breeze, sexy cologne, AMVCA dress competition and fine fine food. It was the night to live for. Class and nothing less.

Babyboy TB was the ladies’ man that night. Every girl that came for the dinner had eyes on him. Me, I no send anybody. My spec na my spec.

I was jejely sitting on my own at the bar, talking to our special birthday girl, when Babyboy TB came up to me. Birthday girl said this is her friend, Toluwatope Babalola. I smiled and greeted him.

Next thing I knew, birthday girl left us alone. I sat there, shaking from the cool Harmattan breeze. Babyboy TB’s first question to me was,

“Are you cold?”

I said yes. He removed his agbada and put it over my body. That was the first temptation. 

Next thing, oga moved closer to me and touched my lips with his thumb. He smiled and said,

“Your lip so dry let me be the one to moisten it.”

He-hei! I looked at him up and down and burst out laughing. He laughed too, and oh boy, his teeth fineee. White and very fresh. I don forget say I like men with good teeth. 

From there, we ate and gisted the whole night until the restaurant closed and pursued us away. I didn’t even realize when the birthday girl and all the other guests had abandoned Babyboy TB and me. 

Babyboy TB collected my number and we didn’t stop talking on the phone until 4 am. If not I had work the next day, we would have spoken till day break.

As I entered my office that morning, first thing I saw were flowers. Fresh live red roses on my table. I shock. My co-workers all look me with one eye and said, “Bisi Mama! Your bobo loves you oh.”

Which bobo? Me that I have not dated man for over five years now.

I checked, the flowers were from Babyboy TB. I would have asked how he knew my office, but he probably got the hint when birthday girl introduced me to him as her colleague.

I didn’t thank him, instead I texted him;

I hope your girlfriend won’t come and beat me for sending me flowers.

He replied with, You can’t beat yourself, baby girl.

See me blushing like one fool. Because I was actually a fool!

Ode.  I texted him back. 

Ah, the walls of Jericho have fallen down. Did I just call him Ode? I am finished. Na me dey toast am like this?

Trust me, I played hard girl after that. Babyboy TB begged and begged me to go on a date with him, I refused. The walls of Jericho must not come down.

But somehow somehow, it just had to.

One unexpected morning, as I got to the office, I saw Babyboy TB waiting for me in the lobby. He was dressed in this sharp blue suit that showed this man came from Dollars, not Naira, USD Dollarrsss.

I don’t know if it was his Dolce & Gabbana suit or his Rolex wristwatch or his Christian Louboutin shoe or his Mercedes-Benz car key that made my knees go weak. But what I do know, the flash of money is the beginning of a woman’s mumu button. 

Like joke like joke, uncle refused to leave my office until I agreed to go on a date with him. Persistent much? I likee.

I finally retired from my hard guy spirit and let my Jericho wall move small. I said yes to the date.

That weekend, Babyboy TB and I went on a date to Cilantro restaurant. Before I left the house, he called me to return his agbada from the other night. Mission accepted.

I wore his agbada to our dinner date. 

With nothing under. 

I walked into the restaurant, my naked hips swaying under the agbada, with my heels making koi koi noise on the tiled floor that leads to the entrance of the restaurant. My red lipstick glowed like red apple under the sun. 

Babyboy TB looked at me from a distance. He could not take his eyes off me for one second. Of course, baba was amused by my appearance. But the longer I stared into his eyes, the less it looked like amusement, and more like hunger in his eyes. The kind of hunger that that makes a lion grab an antelope before it can flee. 

I liked that kind of hunger in his eyes. I wanted to be eaten like that antelope. And I want him to roar when he does it.

The scenario was beautiful. Me and Babyboy TB sitting outside under the night sky. The yellow lights and tall trees surrounding the compound made it more beautiful. I Care 4 U by Aaliyah was playing over the speakers. We had red wine with three-course meal. The night could not get any more beautiful than this. Chai. Was I dreaming?

We spoke about everything in the dinner date; from work to family to toxic exes to our future to how many children we want. And just about anything that made my heart dance Zanku.

After the date, he drove me back home in his Mercedes-Benz car and parked his car in front of my father’s house. The house that I lived alone since my parents travelled.

“Wait here, let me return your agbada.” I said to him from the passenger seat. 

He nodded. 

Right there, I took off the agbada and handed it to him. He inhaled a deep sharp breath, refusing to move. He was taken aback by my action. 

Your girl was naked.

I smirked at him and got down from the car. What he was going to do next was up to him.

I walked up the veranda to my house and looked back at his car. But the car was empty. As I turned around, baba was behind me. Standing too close. Extremely close.

He moved closer to me so that our bodies would touch. I could feel his eyes piercing through my skin. He lifted a finger and trailed it on my shoulders, and down to my bare back. My body was engraved by his touch. It wanted more of it.

Sensing my deep desires, he put both hands on my waist and pulled me against his body. 

Then he kissed me. A soft slow kiss.

Before I could kiss him back, he pulled back and walked away. Just like that. He walked away. 

He entered his car and drove out of my house compound without looking back. See me smiling like one fish. His kiss reset my brain that I could not be angry at him for walking away.

The following week, I had taken leave from work to study for my ACCA exams. On one particular day, I switched off my phone to study all day, until rain fell that evening. 

As I switched on my phone, I saw a text from him saying,

I’m outside.

Outside where? In confusion I looked outside the window to see his car parked outside my compound. I ran outside the rain to open the gate and let him in. 

We returned into the house and I began screaming at him, “Why are you here?”

He wiped his wet body, “Baby girl, you were not picking my calls. My heart could not keep still because of you.”

I smiled and held his hand, “I’m sorry, babe. I turned off my phone to study for exams this week.”

He nodded and stared at me. His eyes trailed down my body as I was dressed in my father’s T-shirt, with nothing under. No, this was not the time for distraction.

I shook my head and walked away. I told him I want to focus on my studies that evening. He didn’t argue and just sat on the couch next to me, watching me read my book.

It was hard to concentrate. Duhh. There was a fine man sitting next to me, konji will not let me focus. 

“You’re distracting me.” I complained to Babyboy TB.

He rose his hands up in surrender, “I will stop staring.”

“I want you to sit far away.”

“Okay.” He said and moved closer to me.

“I said farther.” 

He moved closer. I shook my head and chuckled at his silly behavior. 

“The farther you want me to be from you, the closer I want to be next to you.” He said softly.

I turned around to hide the blush on my face. I pretended like I was reading to hide my face from him. I felt him move closer to me from behind. 

He placed both hands at the nape of my neck, rubbing his gentle palms against them.

“What are you doing?” I asked, relaxing my neck to his touch.

“Shh,” He whispered next to my ear, “focus on your book while I massage you.”

Ode. How do you want me to focus when my mind is doing 360?

I pretended to read, but all I could do was relax to his gentle touch. I shut my eyes as I let him move his hands from my neck down to my shoulders. 

Soon, I felt his face close to my neck and could feel his light breath on my skin. He moved his lips to my neck and I knew what he was going for. I did not stop him. 

When his lips pressed against the side of my neck, I felt the electricity in my body go up. That spark that comes with shock when NEPA brings light.

From kissing my neck came all manners of konji that could not stay within. We offed clothes, kissed and touched all parts of our bodies that existed. Except, I didn’t have sex with him. 

I told him I wanted to wait till marriage before I sleep with man. Na Jesus baby I be.

That evening, he left my house with my virginity still intact.

Just when I thought we have reached our breaking point to be classified as lovers, I did not hear from Babyboy TB after he left my house. Ah, wetin happen?

He did not call, he did not text. But he posted himself clubbing and going out with friends on his Instagram story that week. That thing chuk me in my chest like knife.

I wanted to call him first, but I didn’t want to look desperate. It was him who was meant to call me first after I gave myself to him that rainy evening.

Was this how our relationship was going to end? Did he stop contacting me because I said I want to be celibate? Why do me like this now?

Or maybe his phone spoilt? Abi was it stolen? No, I think he was too busy with work to text me. And maybe when he returned home from work, he fell asleep and forgot to call me. That’s it. That’s the answer.

He would never ghost me like that. Babyboy TB was a sweet one, he would never do that.

One week passed and I didn’t hear from him. This was when I should have seen he was boiling the water to serve me breakfast. But noo, mumu me allowed him to continue.

My exams were over and I was back to work. During one of our office meetings, I saw a call from Babyboy TB.

I jumped off my seat and ran out of the meeting like I was expecting an important business call.

I picked up his call.

“Baby girl!”

I whined on the phone, “Uncle, you ghosted me.”

“No, no no, baby!” He groaned on the phone, “Stop playing like that. I didn’t ghost you. I just gave you space to focus on your exam.” 

And boyyy did your girl fall for that trap. He explained himself and I fell for every bit of his explanations. Bisi, na werey you be.

He took me out to Central Park to celebrate the end of my exams. We played mini golf, did go-karting, licked ice cream and finished the day soaking up in each other’s skin.

We saw each other every other weekend. We went to lot of dates, from hiking to cinema to horse riding to swimming to hotel bookings to meeting his cousins. I had the best time with him. 

Mehn, I fell in love with this man.

I thought of the future with him. Our wedding, our honeymoon, our big house, our beautiful fair children, our children’s nannies, our family vacation and even our grandchildren.

But there was that one thing that bothered me. And after weeks of holding back, I let it all out the night we lodged at ALMAT Farms.

“Baby,” I looked at him while lying naked next to him on the bed, “what are we?”

“We’re happy people.” He smiled.

I chuckled and sat up, “No, I mean… we are dating, right? Like boyfriend and girlfriend… right? That’s what we’ve been this whole time, abi?”

The smile gradually faded from his face and he sat up to look at me.

“Baby girl, I never asked you out.” He said and held my hand, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.”

Ahh.

“Commitment is hard for me right now.”

Ehen.

“My last ex hurt me badly, and I am still trying to recover from it.”

Is that so?

“We’ll see how it goes, okay?”

Hmm.

My sister, that was when he started pouring curry and salt for the breakfast. But I never shine eyes very well to see am. I allowed him to continue cooking.

He kissed my forehead and went to sleep. That kiss reset the mumu button in my head. 

Because after his confession, everything changed.

First, we would go out in public and I would catch him looking at random women’s yansh. I complained about it and he said I am not his girlfriend. Ah.

Next thing, he started making me pay for my meals. Another time, he forgot his wallet at home and made me pay for our entire three-course meal, cinema tickets and fuel for his Mercedes-Benz. He said he would pay me back, but he never did. 

No matter how many times I begged him to pay me back, he said was that how I would treat our future son if he asked me for money?

I was the one always doing the calling and texting first. I nagged him almost every day because he was falling my hand for one thing or the other.

He liked the thought of me begging him. The thought of me babying him like he was my son. He said I was his experiment for how I would treat our future son.

I had to provide. I had to cook for him. I had to check up on him constantly. I had to cool him down when he was angry. I had to satisfy his needs when needed. It was draining. Gbo, I tire. I cannot do again. 

What was I getting in return, just fine boy looks? Ogbeni, your girl needs spoiling too.

Every time I brought up the topic of visiting his house, he would change the subject. But one day, he finally took me there.

He stayed in a four-bedroom duplex house in Gwarimpa. It was big and fancy. The kind you would only see in American movies.

This man truly came from dollars. 

I began to feel hope again for our relationship when I stepped into his home. I imagined moving in with him when we marry. I imagined our children running up and down and scattering the whole house while I shouted at them. 

God, how long? I want him to marry me now. I want him to pipe me and make me scream in his soft bed. My body is hungering me.

I sat on the couch while he went upstairs to change his clothes. As I waited, the house door opened.

A pregnant young woman with a little child walked into the parlor. I stood up and looked at her in confusion.

“Who are you?” I asked her.

“Pardon?” She furrowed her brows at me, “Who are you and what are you doing in my husband’s house?”

Your what?!

Another man walked into the house from the door. He was a bit older. He dragged two heavy boxes in his hand and froze once he saw me.

“Darling, who’s this?” He asked the pregnant woman in confusion.

Before either of us could say anything, Babyboy TB came down the staircase and once he saw the older man and pregnant woman, he ran back up.

“Tope!” The man shouted furiously while storming into the parlor, “Tope, come back here! Tope! Before I open my eye-”

Babyboy TB ran back down to the bottom of the stairs. Next thing I knew, he knelt down on his knees and crawled to the older man’s feet.

“Oga, abeg, forgive me. It’s not what it looks like.”

My eyebrows shot up to my forehead. Ogbeni, what is going on?

“You brought a woman… in my house?!” The man looked at Babyboy TB’s shirt and grabbed his collar, “And why are you wearing my clothes? Ah, even my Balenciaga shoe! No wonder my bank blocked my card. This foolish boy has been using my money anyhow!”

Ah, ahhhh. What is this I am hearing. Babyboy TB na borrow-borrow dey make me shine?

Wait-

The older man looked at the pregnant woman, “Honey, can you look at this useless houseboy you brought to this house?”

I did not allow the man to finish talking. I packed my handbag and stormed for the door. My heart could not take it anymore. It felt like there was one giant stone pulling my body down.

Babyboy TB was a houseboy?! This boy that was playing with my heart was another man’s errand boy? Chai na me fuck up.

All the world I built around him began to tumble down. Our fair children, gone. Our big house, gone. Our honeymoon, vanished. Ah. 

Na me chop this kind breakfast?

Before I could step outside, my legs stopped right in front of the door. I turned around to look at Babyboy TB’s oga furiously.

“Your houseboy is owing me money.” I said to him, “If he doesn’t return it, I will drag both of you on Twitter. I will expose everything that happened! He has until the end of today.”

With that, I left.

Before I got home, I received credit alerts from Babyboy TB’s oga. He paid me back double the price that his useless houseboy owed me.

The next day, Babyboy TB called me one million times. He sent me one thousand messages saying, “It’s not what it looks like.” If I deck you! Stupid fool. Am I blind?

The next next day, he sent me text messages ranting about why I was ignoring him. He became more aggressive with his messages. He threatened that he would break my house door if I didn’t pick up his calls.

Then I decided to send him one last message, 

If you ever call this number again, I will report to police.

The last message he sent to me was,

I hope you and your family die, bitch. I’m glad to leave that smelling pussy of yours.

Na your mama pussy dey stink. Fool.

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. All characters, locations, organizations and incidents appearing in this article are fictitious.

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