Today I woke up with a pounding in my chest. Like a million and one things were banging on the door of my heart.

I could imagine my soft pounded-yam heart placed inside a mortar and 20 women pounding it furiously like there was no tomorrow. 

That was how my heart felt.

When I thought about him.

Ju— Ju—

I can’t even call his name without crying. 

You know what, I will just call him Judas. Judas Iscariot. That betrayer of my heart.

My older sister, Loretta, came over to my room in the afternoon and sat on my bed to hug me.

“I heard the sad news. What happened between you and Justus?”

Judas. His name is Judas. Don’t call that name.

But again, the mention of his name caused me to wail, like my body was dividing into 27 pieces.

“I broke up with him.” I confessed.

“Why? But he was a good guy.”

That was the problem.

He was a good guy. 

So, what was my problem?

Judas was my first boyfriend. The only man who did not show me premium shege.

He wasn’t perfect. But he was normal.

He knew what to do to make me happy. He always had the right words to calm my raging mind. Loved me, respected me, cherished me, treated me like a queen, gave me flowers, held me close to his arms, cuddled me, smooched me, teased me, gave me love and light and sunshine and moon and galaxy and heaven…

He was too good to be true.

That was my problem.

And all I did for the entire five months of our relationship was one thing: wait for the bomb to drop.

I waited for the day I would receive a text from my friends saying that they caught him with another woman.

I waited for him to call me stupid.

I waited for him to slap me in the face.

I waited for him to gaslight me.

I waited for him to ask me for 10 million naira and run away with it.

I waited for him to leave me for another woman.

I waited for him to ghost me.

I waited. I waited. I waited.

Until… I got tired of waiting.

His love gave me so much anxiety that I could not enjoy the relationship. 

I was living in an alternate universe in my head. I wanted Justus to be Judas Iscariot so bad that it began to distort my reality. Justus in my daydreams was a liar and a cheat and a beater and the meanest animal on the planet.

That was Justu— Judas.

And I made sure I brought that out of him. His true colours must come out no matter what. He couldn’t keep wearing a mask forever.

And indeed, his true colors did come out.

When he stopped responding to my accusations.

When he only called once a day and not three times a day.

When he accused me of gaslighting him.

When he said I was an overthinker, making me almost believe I was crazy.

You see?

He was not perfect. He was accusing me of being the bad guy in the relationship. He said I was always blaming him for everything and looking for something to fight about.

Damn you, Judas!

Slowly, I watched as the light in his eyes began to disappear. 

He no longer smiled at me the way he did when we started dating.

He no longer wanted to talk for long hours anymore. 

He no longer wanted to call me “baby” anymore.

He no longer wanted to be close to me.

He was too afraid to reach for my hand like he did before.

What had I done wrong?

There used to be light in his eyes.

There was light in his eyes when he first took me out on a date.

There was light in his eyes when he first held my hands.

There was light in his eyes when he first kissed me.

There was light in his eyes when he first told me he loved me. 

I took a step back.

The light was no longer there anymore.

Then it dawned on me that Judas was only human.

He was not necessarily good, but he was not necessarily bad.

The light in his eyes had just disappeared. And I feared that they would never come back. I feared that his heart would grow more and more weary of me and one day, he would hate me completely.

I didn’t want that.

Hatred was far worse than all my fears combined.


I wish I could go back to the good old days and live them on repeat. 

I wish I could go back and undo all the pain and curse and accusations that I brought upon him, upon us.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to be free so bad from the chains and the shackles that hung around my heart. 

And so, I took the blade and cut down the shackles I have placed around Judas.

He was no longer bound to my misery. 

But when I broke up with him, I saw the darkness in his eyes. I hated myself for bringing this upon him. For stealing his light.

I cowered away in shame, knowing that I had let the one good thing go away.

I want to return to you, Justus. But I fear the pain will return again and hurt even deeper. So, I let you go.

It hurts.

It hurts so much that I could barely breathe.

Love was never going to find me again.

I was so undeserving and heartless and ruthless.

I prayed for the best kind of love but when it came knocking on my door, I slammed it shut. 

I held my hand to my chest. Why did it have to hurt this much? This was not my first time going through a breakup, but why did it have to feel so brand new? Worse than the previous times.

The crazy part is… I don’t want to heal. 

The worst part of healing is forgetting.

Forgetting all we’ve shared together. Forgetting what it felt like to love him and be loved by him.

It felt like watching a beautiful home you once lived in burn down to ashes. To nothingness.

Where is my home now?

“What if he comes back?” Loretta asked me.

He won’t. He never will. He hates me too much.

He might never trust a woman again because of me. 

I snatched all his hopes and dreams and the love and light from his kind, precious soul.

“At least you’ve learnt your lesson now.” Loretta rubbed my shoulders, “It’s not every time somebody else is the bad guy. Sometimes it’s just the craziness of the world that distorts our perception of love. I hope next time, when love comes knocking on your door, you will open your heart.”

There would be no next time, Loretta.

Justus might be the last good man on this planet. 

I have to carry my cross.

I have made my bed and so I would lie on it.

Goodbye, Justus. 


I love you’, His text appeared on my phone screen all of a sudden.

My heart stopped, like all the craziness of the world came to a halt that very second.

I wiped my tears.

I dusted my cross.

I sat up on my bed and looked at the screen one last time.

Then I looked up at the mirror in front of me and noticed something different.

A glimpse of light began to shine in my eyes for the first time in a long time.

Something was about to change.

I wasn’t going to be the one to steal the light from his eyes anymore.


He was the one going to steal the darkness out of mine.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a work of fiction. All characters, locations, organizations and incidents appearing in this blog are not fictitious.

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